Sex Column: Let’s Talk About Cunnilingus 101

It’s been a minute since I’ve written much of anything on my blog, but let’s talk about the birth of this column. “The Black Carrie Bradshaw” is something I’ve been called quite a few times since the start of my podcast. I’ve always wanted a column, I mean, I did go to school for journalism. But, I never thought I’d have a sex column until recently.

Despite being someone, who has always been curious and down to ask questions, I’ve been fighting with imposter syndrome. “I’m not certified, I’m no expert, etc.” I’d tell myself. But over the weekend, I got a DM on Instagram that read “My friend had horrible sex with this guy last night and it made me think about an episode you had about men not knowing how to eat pussy.” I opened the attachment that read: “This nigga chewed on my vag. My shit was bleeding,” in complete shock and horror. After sharing to my IG stories —with permission— I got a flood of DMs with the same sentiment. People’s clitoris are being bitten— and in some cases pieces of it off.

Now, like I said earlier, I’m no sex expert. But, I am an advocate for pleasure, who knows damn well there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to be biting your clit—unless that’s you’re kink, of course. Thus, this sex column was born. While on “Rona Vacation,” I’ll be sharing tips from professionals and answering some of your questions.

For a lesson in cunniligus, I tapped my close friend and licensed sex educator, Charlene Moore and New York based doula, artist, and former Babeland employee Aisha Awadallah for pro tips for you and your partner’s enjoyment.

Let’s start with the facts:

The Vulva is a system of the external sex organs of someone who has a vagina. The Vulva has several parts to its system these external sex organs: include the clitoris, labia majora (large outer lips) labia minora (inner lips), the opening to the vagina, opening to the urethra, and two Bartholin’s glands (produce fluids that help lubricate the vulva, vaginal opening and the vagina during arousal). 

The Clitoris (also known as Clit) is a sex organ, whose only known purpose is for sexual arousal. During sexual excitement, the Clitoris swells with blood very similar to what happens to the penis in the process of erection.

The Clitoris contains more than 8,000 sensitive nerve endings which are located at the head of the clitoris. Fun Fact: what is known to the human eye as the clitoris is only a small part of this sex organ. The outer part of the clitoris is located at the top of the vulva right next to the urethra which is the hole that you pee out of. The flap skin that you see over the Clitoris is known as the Clitoral Hood. The clitoral hood is formed by the labia minora (inner lips). The Clitoral Hood covers and protects the clitoris just like the foreskin that protects the penis. The inner part of the clitoris is much larger, it includes a shaft and two crura (legs) of tissue that extends up to five inches into the body on both sides of the vagina to attach to the pubic bone which is why when people with vaginas have clitoral orgasms their whole body may go through a surge of pleasure. 

Simple ways to stimulate the Clitoris during Oral Sex:

• Use your hand, fingers or even a sex to toy to slide across the clitoris and clitoral hood
• Use LUBE! Always make sure to use water or silicone-based lube instead of oil-based lube. Never use things like Vaseline, baby oil, coconut over or anything of the sort. 
• When performing oral sex on someone who has a clitoris it is always a good idea to stimulate the vagina at the same time. When the clitoris is stimulated the two crura of tissue makes penetration in the vagina more pleasurable.
• DO NOT use your teeth. Remember the clitoral hood is very similar to the foreskin of the penis you can do some serious damage if you purposely or accidentally bite.

Charlene (She/Her/Hers) is a Sexual Health Educator for Planned Parenthood in the Capital District Area of NYS. The Bronx native is currently educating in different capacities for a large demographic throughout this region and across the country on the importance of access to comprehensive inclusive sex education. These conversations include many topics such as Consent and Healthy Relationships, Sexual Harassment, Gender and Sexuality, HIV and other Sexually Transmitted Infections transmission and prevention and much more. If you learned from Charlene and want to support her: Cashapp $CroseM

Tips!

Tip #1 – BE CREATIVE AND OPEN:

Every body is different and so is every pussy. One person might love a lot of pressure against their clit while another might like the lightest flicks of the tongue. Some people can reach orgasm really easily from oral sex while others might need a longer period of time. Some people don’t cum at all during oral— and that’s okay! As long as there’s transparent communication and they express their enjoyment of being eaten out, just keep doing your thang and be always open to feedback.

I always recommend starting slow and light then building up speed and pressure as you go on. It can be really hot to start exploring the sides of the clit and labia with your tongue rather than just going straight for the clit. It’s a great warm-up and builds some sexy anticipation. Switch up your movement! Try up and down, in circles, make a “Z”, get between those inner labia lips! Get your entire mouth involved! Vulvas love to feel tongues, but they also love to feel lips, breath, the vibrations of satiated moans, even get your nose and face in there if your partner is down! Grab their ass cheeks as your pull them towards your mouth, explore their belly and breasts with your hands— multitask!

Get some fingers involved, maybe even toys (if you two are comfortable). Eat the pussy in different positions. “Missionary” is a classic, from behind while she’s on her hands and knees, or lying on her belly or side. Let your partner sit that pussy on your face. I promise you, you’ll be able to breathe. 

Tip #2- TALK TO YOUR PARTNER:

Start with asking them if they would like you to go down on them. Consent is also sexy. You can say: “Can I lick/eat your pussy?” “Can I go down on you?” or even better “Can I worship you with my mouth?” Not only can this be a part of the foreplay, but it’s a great way to open the space for someone to say yes or no, or give room for someone to communicate if they have any triggers or don’t like particular acts or just aren’t in the mood. During the act, respond to any verbal and non-verbal cues your partner might give you to help you do a better job at licking that pussy. Post-coital convo is important! It helps to open up the conversation for feedback by offering highlights of that session for you, i.e. “I really loved going down on you, “I loved when I fucked you with my tongue”, “It seemed like you really liked it when I moved my tongue in circles.” This can be a fun check-in and if you’re feeling bold, simply ask, “What would you like more or less of?”

Tip #3- ENTHUSIASM:

Act like eating your partner is one of your favorite meals of the day. The vagina also need to be seduced – make “her” feel beautiful, sexy and special. If you are feeling self-conscious about your skills, don’t project that onto your partner, as women we are already taught to feel ashamed of our genitals and we don’t need our partners to trigger those feels. I hate it when someone is unsure and they just dart a tongue out and literally make as limited contact as possible with your pussy! It’s the worst and can make anyone feel self-conscious or, at the very least, annoyed. It’s sexy af to have a sexual partner verbalize and show just how much they love going down on you. Whether it’s the taste, the aesthetics of your vulva, or the fact that it makes the recipient feel really, really good, it shows that they are prioritizing your pleasure and it’s even hotter if they get really turned on through the act, too. 

Aisha (She/Her) is a Brooklyn based bisexual black femme, who currently works as a birth doula, artist, model, and formerly as a sex educator and sex worker. Aisha recently acquired her tattoo license and is excited to make some strides in the tattooing world. “My passions include birth work emphasizing black maternal health and reproductive justice, and I’ve lived most of my adult life holding the ethics of sex-positivity close to my heart.” If you enjoyed Aisha’s tips and want to support her: Venmo: @Aisha-Awadallah .

Other resources from sex workers you should be supporting!:

Bath Time with Brielle