Back in Feburary, I finally started dating (or talking or entertaining) multiple people for the very first time, ever. I did it all, I made the first move and “shot my shot.” I went out with guys I wasn’t too sure about but willing to learn more. I gave my number out to men and put the ball in their court. It was completely out of my comfort zone, but I did it.
And guess what? It fucking sucked. I was unclear if dating in NYC is difficult or just the men I met. After five months, a few more dating faux pas, and a few “Is it me,” insecurities, I’ve realized that New York is really difficult city to date in.
Many of the men I met had put up this facade of being “the plug” and bragged about getting me into places I already got myself in. New York has this effect on people which is something I never noticed before.
“If you don’t like wasting time, then you don’t like dating.” – @HublotDreams
— lil introvert (@LifeWithJRDN) April 9, 2016
After taking to Twitter to rant about how shitty my dating experience had been, I realized that I’m not alone. I spoke to six different women about their experiences dating in NYC.
Here’s media planner, @Eri_Rho, thoughts on dating:
What expectations do you have going into a first date?
Going on a first date, I try not to have any super specific expectations. Most times I go with the flow of things. I’m pretty observant, so there are certain things that I pay attention to such as mannerisms (not only me but to others around us), conversation skills, and how often they take their phone out.
Describe your best dating experience or ideal date:
Best dating experience? Ha! I’ve had a decent share of dates some good, some bad. To be honest none of the recent good ones really stick to my memory. But, my best date that was most memorable to me wasn’t even legit “date.”
It was a while ago one summer, I was working at a sleep away summer camp and I just clicked with this guy. He didn’t ask me out or take me anywhere we just stayed up all night talking and laughing in the grass looking up at the stars, it was literally a scene from a movie. Even though it was something small, I haven’t forgotten about that moment.
Describe your worst date:
I can think of one right off the top of my head.
My worst date was when I was asked to chill in Brooklyn. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for chilling and having conversation but listen, this guy didn’t have any type of conversation skills AT ALL! So we’re just sitting down awkward little to no conversation going on he was on his phone almost every second. I didn’t know if he was nervous or what, but we’re a bit too old to not know how to communicate properly. So I’m trying to be nice and take the lead and talk about different things and it wasn’t working.
So finally he asks me if I’m hungry and I agree to get food. I’m thinking we’re going to go to a local bar or something with nice music to eat and have a few drinks to break the ice a little bit but we had fast food. At this point I couldn’t deal, I was trying to hide my thoughts so bad but I knew it showed all over my face. After a while, I couldn’t take the awkwardness anymore. He offered to wait for the train with me and I told him it’s alright and went home by myself. This date was awful just because the chemistry was not there, it was really really awkward.
Has your dating experience made your more or less inclined to keep trying?
I’m neutral on this. None of my recent dates blew me away, but I haven’t lost hope and I don’t think I ever will. My dating experience actually helped me realize what I want and don’t want and taught me various red flags to look out for in the future.
What’s your take on women “shooting their shot”?
My view goes back and forth with this one.
On one hand, I believe that if a guy really wants you he will muster up the courage to say something or act on it. On the other hand, I feel that if you see something you like you should make the first move man or woman. We all know most guys in their 20’s even 30’s want to have their cake and eat it too. So if you’re a woman shooting your shot, keep your third eye open and know yourself.
I’m a bit shy when it comes to expressing that I like someone so I didn’t start shooting my shot until recently (my friends forced me) lol. You win some and you lose some, if the guy isn’t with it oh well, move on at least you got it out there. If you’re confident in yourself and know what you can bring to the table then by any means shoot your shot! I know a few women that made the first move and they’re flourishing in their relationship.
If you’ve dated men not from NY, what differences did you see between them and NY men?
I’ve never dated a guy out of New York but the stories I hear from my homegirls that have are positive. In a nutshell, I hear that they act more like gentlemen and don’t mind courting a lady.
Does your profession effect the type of men you date?
Yes, it definitely does. Alot goes on while working in entertainment and media. You’re always on the go, thinking of your next move, and planning. The person I’m dating has to have ambition, drive, passion, a plan for themselves and understand the lifestyle of the line of work I aspire to do or we’re not going to go far.
On the flip side, guys have ex’ed themselves out from dating me due to their insecurities relating to me always going out and being around guys a lot. Overall, I view my profession as a positive effect because it enabled me to step my game up in what I want in a guy.
How do you balance work life and dating?
I balance it pretty well. When I was in college full-time I was juggling a lot, I had a full-time job, internships and attended things outside of that so I had my time management skills down packed. Work life and dating is pretty manageable. People make time for what they want.
Do you think that social media has effected the way we date now?
In general for sure, but if you’re messing with a real one, no.
Social media has screwed so many peoples’ priorities, it’s crazy. You can go on a nice date with someone and as soon as you go on social media and see something you don’t like that entire real life experience you just had with that person is negated. Females look for a post of them on their boo’s page more than actually being treated well and respected in real life. Aside from the negative, social media added a bit of positivity to the dating world. We have access to meet so many people that we would’ve never crossed paths with in real life which widens the spectrum of individuals to choose from. You can also get the scoop on someone so easily now to get a glimpse of what they’re partially about before dating them.
It’s hard to find a person that really doesn’t take social media to the next level when it comes to dating because it has been embedded in our everyday lives so much. But they’re are a few out there that don’t let social media effect the things they have going on in real life especially something as sacred as their bond with another being.
If their was one thing you could change about the dating scene, what would it be and why?
One this that I would change is the amount of effort guys put into dating now. I feel like they do the bare minimum to impress a female, but they wouldn’t be doing the bare minimum if some girls didn’t accept it. It’s a two way street, women need to up their standards so guys are more willing to put in the effort. So many women don’t realize the power that we possess. Like, no I don’t want to go to your house and watch a movie and no we’re not going dutch on the first date. Fellas, if you want to go dutch on a date you probably should’ve never asked for the date in the first place or opted for something more in your price range. Ladies, know your worth and don’t drop that crown.