This week has been completely shitty for me. I’ve wracked my brain with trying to come up with an angle to write this without coming off petty, weak, or blaming him. In fact, I was just going to pretend this never happened at all. But the only way I know how to get over things is to write it down, so here we are…
I thought I was on my way to getting over him. I had survived a homecoming where when someone mentioned his name, I pretended as if I didn’t even hear it. I was able to get back to my flirty retorts with guys I had no interest in without feeling guilty. I had made it a couple of weeks without texting him. Shit, I had even made it a couple of days without thinking about him.
But see, when you’ve spent an entire year supporting each other, building memories, finding ways to fit each other into both of your dreams and introducing him to brothers, mothers and grandmothers? Nah, you don’t get over that in a month.
I thought I was on my way to being over him until I randomly scrolled through my snapchat Monday and saw her. The new girl. She was pretty and chocolate with bright white teeth and smooth skin. Her and I were complete opposites which only made me feel worse. She was smiling and so was he which was something I hadn’t seen in a while. When she kissed him, I completely lost it. I watched that snap on a loop until the 10 sec clip was burned into my head. After I spent an entire night crying, re-reading old text messages, and watching old videos; I threw all of his clothes that I still had into a pile. I couldn’t have anything around me that reminded me of him.
See when you’ve spent an entire year with someone, you don’t get over it in just a month or so I thought. We spoke later that night and things only got worse. Clearly, the fact that I was unable to control my emotions was only pushing him closer to her. It was clear that I had not only lost my best friend but my man too.
Long distance relationships are hard. It takes communication and trust which isn’t so easy when you go from spending every night in each other’s dorm to seeing each other twice a month. Unfortunately, I have the bad habit of falling for men who don’t live in the tri-state area. But him? He was different and I treated him as such. Sometimes, I think I put too much pressure on him to actually be the man I saw him as instead of who he was. And that is my own fault.
I thought I was getting over him when I finally got the nerve to ship him the clothes. As Beyonce’s “Resentment” blasted through my headphones (because there’s a Beyonce song for everything), I realized that picking up the pieces after a rough breakup doesn’t happen overnight. Simply because it’s not supposed to. It’s a process that can’t be rushed but can be learned from.
It’ll be a while before I move on and become willing to get to know new people or even open up. I just can’t find myself quickly replacing him in order to run from my insecurities and loneliness. It’ll be even longer before I decide to get into a new relationship (preferably with Drake) but that’s the best part of it all. Each day will be better than the one before. I’ll take this time and energy to grow and fall back in love with myself.
For help coping with a breakup, click here.