Dating in NYC: Words with Noëlle

One of the love languages that I relate to the most is physical touch or intimacy. When I feel comfortable enough with someone, I’m as affectionate as possible. I’ve realized that I’m an intimate woman who constantly finds herself around unaffectionate people or people who show their love in non-physical ways. So when I’m in a relationship or “in like with someone,” I’m extremely hands on.

Missing intimacy

— lil introvert (@LifeWithJRDN) April 15, 2014

I like holding hands, kissing, cuddling, hugging, and especially sex— when the time is right. Since I’ve graduated from college, I’ve noticed how hard it is to find a place or time to “be intimate” when you’re living at home with your parents. Which leads to not getting any at all or “dick appointments”.

To me, scheduling peen appointments takes the fun and spontaneity out of sex and makes it feel like a chore. (Also, the universe tends to laugh when I make any plans involving dick.)

I spoke to writer and educator Noëlle about the benefits of scheduling sex and how she balances the art of teaching with her dating life for the seventh installment of Dating in NYC.

Read her experiences below:

What expectations do you have going into a first date?
I try to keep it simple. I expect him to be polite, and engaging.

Describe your best dating experience or ideal date:
This is always a little tough for me because it depends on my mood. However, I do know that the date will involve food in some way.

Describe your worst date:
My worst date was with a guy that spent most of the time talking just to talk. I guess he was nervous but it turned me off. I have no clue what he was talking about. I honestly checked out of the conversation. It wasn’t what he was talking about that turned me off. It was his inability to let conversation happen organically. It felt as though he just had to fill any and all silences with his voice.

At one point of our date, we went to a park to sit by the water. I had suggested to him that we sit quietly and just take in the sound of the water and calmness of the evening. He was quiet for 1 minute before he started speaking again to tell me how right I was about needing to enjoy the silence. It was then that my teacher switch was flipped and I “shhhhhhhhhh’d” him.

Considering how bad it is for some others I’d say I’m pretty lucky.

Has your dating experience made your more or less inclined to keep trying?
A date has yet to make me feel like dating is useless.

What’s your take on women “shooting their shot”?
I’m way too awkward to see myself making the first move but for the women that have the courage, I say go for it. I’m not very traditional and I don’t think it’s up to guys to do all the pursuing. We’ve seen how clueless some of them are about how to approach women anyway.

If you’ve dated men not from NY, what differences did you see between them and NY men?
I’ve only dated one guy that wasn’t from NY. The difference that I can say I’ve noticed was that since the cost of living where we were at the time was cheaper, he could afford to live alone so finding somewhere to be alone to have sex wasn’t a struggle.

Saying out loud that you have to plan when to have sex can feel like you’re an old, washed couple. But I think in many circumstances, it helps and it’s effective. I may not be writing it down in a planner or setting a reminder in my phone that says, “Dick appointment @ 11:45 PM“. But, I think in cases where you don’t have as much opportunity to be spontaneous, it works out to tell your partner that sex is something you’d like to include on your next date and you want to figure out together how to make it happen.

Does your profession affect the type of men you date?

I don’t think being a teacher has a very large impact on the type of men I date. However, a man must be open to hearing me complain about state tests and be willing to listen to stories about drama on an elementary school level.

I teach 3rd grade. I wouldn’t be opposed to dating a teacher. I actually admire men in my field of work, especially black men, that love what they do and seek to be positive influences on children in their classrooms.

How do you balance work life and dating?
Basically, don’t ask me out or to do anything Mon-Fri or Sunday after 3:00 PM and we should be fine.

Do you think that social media has affected the way we date now?
Social media has certainly affected the way we date now. Has it made it better or worse? I can’t say. I do think people forget that social media is run by human beings essentially and so you must be responsible and take accountability for whatever happens on these platforms good or bad.

If their was one thing you could change about the dating scene, what would it be and why?
I would get rid of all of the rules that seem to go along with dating. Just spend time with people you genuinely enjoy spending time with and be respectful of other’s time too. Go into every relationship, romantic or platonic, honestly and with an open mind.