It’s been a while.
I’ve been ignoring my blog which really means I’ve been ignoring myself. I’ve been playing myself, pretending that I’m okay when I know I’m not. I’ve been through this before, I saw it coming and now it’s here. Now, it’s in my dreams so I can’t sleep. Now, it’s consumed me and left me with no appetite.
My anxiety is back.
I’ve written about anxiety before. I’ve grown with it and thought I learned to how to handle it. So essentially, this is my fault. I could easily blame it on the multiple retrogrades going on at the same damn time— which are making me want to pull me hair out. But this isn’t the moon, stars, or some ruling planets running their course. It’s me.
It started about a month ago, when I took a break from my routine thinking that I had mastered my life. Everything was sweet. I had a new job, new opportunities, I was “dating”, and shit I even had a new hair look. I became so wrapped up in keeping up the appearance of being happy that I forgot to actually be happy.
I stopped blogging, taking pictures, and doing little things that made me feel good. I had no inspiration to really do anything that I loved. Instead, I became focused on becoming this person that I’m not.
I had been going out to parties and forcing myself to be social or feel something that I don’t. For what? I’m not sure. I constantly (over)think. When I’m not social, I feel like I’m missing out. I constantly compare myself to the image of what a girl my age is supposed to be like. Because a girl in her 20s is supposed to want to be out and be seen, right? I’ve been convincing myself that some knight in shining armor— or a man over 6″ with a strong hairline— will be somewhere waiting for me or that I’ll network my way to new opportunities. So, I go out.
Typically when I go out, I’ll hide behind my phone or drink until I feel comfortable while secretly wanting to talk to everyone and no one at the same time.
Apart of handing my anxiety is being honest and listening to myself. So honestly? I’ve got to change the image of who I think I need to be. Self-love means accepting who I am, and I am no social butterfly. I’m slowly but surely learning to find the balance in being as social as I can be without compromising my feelings or things I’m passionate about in the process.