People do not pass. Feelings do not change. But, time keeps going.
Over the past three months, I’ve learned alot about emotions. While I thought being Pisces put me at an advantage of knowing my feelings, I’ve learned I don’t know shit at all. Grief is the trickiest emotion of them all and you know nothing until you’ve felt it. You never learn that lesson until someone dies. But, it’s never just death that’ll send you into a whirlwind of feeling everything or nothing at all.
People often say “There is no wrong way to grieve.” But, the same people rarely understand how you can grieve every thing all at once.
All of those suppressed emotions. All of those times you became a home to words unsaid. All of the people who used to be in your life, all of your old friendships. Your dream career or even the person you used to be; hit you all at once and suddenly you’re wondering when you became so fucking sad. I’d like to think of Grief as a Gemini. Sometimes, she shows up on the most beautiful of days in a way that doesn’t even allow me to get out of bed. While other times, she cuts me just enough slack to be able to disassociate or even be social in public.
I’m indifferent to many things now. I’m not the same person I used to be. But, who would be? Actually recognizing that I am living on borrowed time, has put many things into perspective for me. Some things, like friendships, are extremely important to me now. I’ve re-evaluated all of mine in a matter of three months— which I’ve learned is very disappointing. Figuring out how to accomplish my next career goal is huge to me now. While other things—I used to enjoy— mean absolutely nothing to me.
There are so many things they never tell you about death.
They never tell you that the apologizes never stop coming. They never tell you about the unsolicited advice from those same folks never stop coming. They never tell you that your life will never go back to normal — most of all they never tell you that that’s okay. They never tell you how many holidays and celebrations you suddenly realize there are after someone dies. They never tell you that no one ever means the words “If there’s anything you ever need…” it’s just something polite to say.
No one ever talks about your days running into each other. No one tells you about the dreams—no one even admits to the dreams. No one tells you that the random creak in the door in the middle of the night is not who you want it to be. No one tells you that it’ll be a while to actually feel happy. Or, your favorite foods suddenly have no taste. The shows you used to watch suddenly bore you. No one ever speaks about the random moments of anger. No one ever speaks about that.
But, what I’ve realized the most is— no one ever says how long it’ll last.
I’m surfing, but not the ways I expected to. Some high tide days, I’m on an upswing and things are looking brighter. Then the next day, I don’t want to leave the house. You spend alot of time trying to fill in voids with trivial things — wine, sex, new clothes, food and even working out. But, those don’t feel good either. Sometimes, you try to even honor your feelings in the moment. But, for how long? No one has an answer to that and truthfully, I don’t think I’d want one.
I started this post on a low tide day. I’m finishing it on my father’s 49th birthday — a day that I have no idea how it will end up. And, that’s okay…